Wednesday, May 4, 2011

More Guidance for Jazz Jam Sessions

Dubious guidance, of course... originally written for the edification of jam session regulars in Melbourne Australia, but it will be just as irrelevant wherever you are...

How to sing in one easy lesson:
Open the gargle full wide and breathe in through the catskills. Adopt stance of herniated french onion seller and crease the visage with a sternly emotive look. Or just squint at the lights. After letting the band play the intro four times, come in on the 5th beat of the 23rd bar. Screech or howl convincingly (screech is for ballads, howl is for blues) and collect applause, lippy, handbag and someone else's cheeky little chardonnay on the way out. 

How to play the saxaphone in one easy lesson:
Grasp the fernuggle by the snotter, and take a read of the manual. Lick the read so no-one else will pinch it, and spread the fingies evenly over the rattly buttons. If feeling posh, cock the pinky and stand at the front with weight evenly spread over three or four feet. Adjust snotter, check zip and epiglottal your way through 16 bars. Repeat until cooked...

How to play bass in one easy lesson:
Lugubrious is the look, as in "I play bass, and no-one ever lets me take a solo, and even if they do, the friggin' bass is no good for soloing anyway." Bass players are to jazz what Eeyore is to Winnie the Pooh.

How to play piano in one easy lesson:
Not tellin'. Too many of them already. Smug bastards generally.

How to play accordion in one easy lesson:
This should not be attempted under any circumstances. The definition of a gentleman is someone who owns an accordion but does not play it.

No comments:

Post a Comment